For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.