Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
