Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.