OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section