Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.