this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You coming home soon, man?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas