All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I think this conversation is over.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...