Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
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Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
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Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation