Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
