I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim