Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.