I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
