seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?