I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
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I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie