she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
