when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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