So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.