She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.