white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.