fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward