That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.