Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?