he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way