dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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