Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH