Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
