FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over