So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
