Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]