Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Randomize
