why do cheetos always look like penises
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
