Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.