he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?