A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories