Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
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