You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
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You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
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i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.