Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.