It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...