It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
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and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
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... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...