they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.