im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
