Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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