In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?