People with herpes should wear stickers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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