just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
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Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.