Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.