On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
