After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
