just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm fucking your sister right now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face