don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.