My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.