Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dating After Heartbreak
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it