I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.