Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10