I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
